Words in your Brain

It really Is funny how words can stay with us in our minds. I read something earlier today-- it is irrelevant precisely what-- that suggested someone was amateur-ish at something because, the writer reasoned "they got a late start" with it. Now, hours later my brain is hooked onto that. It can't let it go.

I didn't get an early start at anything. For years I didn't know I had depression and my teen years, well, my parents just assumed every child was equally moody. I didn't get a start on anything until I was in my very late teens or early 20's. And now, in my mid-20's I feel like I started too late. That little girl who played piano since she was seven. That boy who was taking art lessons at eight. My life had no direction until much later and I worry that I can never catch up to the prodigies. That I will never ever be good enough at anything I want to do. I worry that all the work in the world will never be good enough because I didn't make my first professional quality film by 10. I worry that because I didn't write songs at 11 it's too late to start. I worry that there's no way I can ever compete with people who had that direction. Anything which would be worth it to do.

What I had as a child was an imagination. I locked myself in my own little world out of depression. I still have an overactive imagination to this day but... what use is it if my skill will never be good enough to communicate it with anyone. I feel I may as well not bother. Of course, then, there's no reason to bother with anything at all. Might as well settle, keep settling. I feel I've spent the whole of my life settling and where's it got me? The middle, if you want to be generous about it. I have heard the advice-- if you're generous enough to call it that-- which says someone will always be better than you and that is exactly the point. If someone's better then they might as well do it. I feel like everything is a competition and I can't compete. I failed at five to realize the implications of not applying myself and now, 20 years later, I am forced to reap what I didn't sow. Which is to say not nearly enough of anything to be worthwhile.

I don't know if I ought to say fuck it why bother or fuck it do it anyway. Probably leaning towards the former but maybe that's my haunted depression bathrobe coming back.

Also: For those of you wondering the haunted bathrobe is from a commercial for depresion medication Abilify. More info is in the box.

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