This is about my bisexuality. It's a rather personal thing, but it kind of needs to be told. Here follows a CGA-colored poor representation of the bisexual flag. Which tbh I think is ugly as sin anyhow but it's my ugly as sin flag goddamnit. ▓▒▒▓

So anyway, now that that's out of the way... let's get onto the meat of this thing. I wanted to write about my experiences as a bisexual person because maybe someone out there can read this and feel less weird or alone. Not that I felt particularly weird or alone. Strangely enough... I never did. I never felt weird or wrong because of my sexuality. Maybe I just have confidence others don't. I don't know and I can't tell ya.

It was December of 2000 that I first got a computer with dial up internet. Shortly thereafter I looked for porn. I knew quite well porn was out there and I didn't have to look hard. In those days it was still mostly images with videos being grainy and low quality things no bigger than your thumb and requiring RealPlayer. Naturally I assumed I was heterosexual-- because why wouldn't I be?-- and I looked up some smut. I discovered quickly that I liked scenes with both men and women in them. I think it is partly because professional porn of solo women was all very passive poses. I understand there is more verity now, but it isn't much better. Amateur porn, however seems to not suffer as much from this. Anyway I realized I was interested in the guys as much as the women.

I admit I did most of my porn-exploring that summer. And I felt confused. But I wanted to get in and out of jacking off as quickly as possible so that I could get on to other things-- such as playing The Sims. So I rolled with it. I realized I could get off to solo guys. Oh. I suppose for a time I did hide this, but I have no way to know if I hid it extra because I didn't want my parents to catch me jacking off or if I didn't know how they would react to it being men. I feel like my mother sort of caught me a few times. My father once slipped me a playboy under my door and I'm still not sure how I was intended to read that. The action, not the publication.

I just accepted this is who I was. I'm straight enough. I'm gay enough. I can do both. I (now) use the expression "I Hanna-Montana this shit" to describe it but I couldn't have said that then because that show did not come out until 2006. I never officially came out. I sort of just was at peace with who I was and never felt the need to. I also figured everyone would find out sooner or later.

A few times my mother felt the need to tell me up-front she would still love me if I were gay and ask me if I were, in fact gay. She would also bring up that I needed to meet someone and have kids because she wanted a granddaughter. I suspect she thought I was gay. I suppose I didn't really tell her I was Bi until I was older. I always sort of thought I was out to her but thinking on it now she probably didn't realize. I told her once I was in a serious relationship with a man and she seemed relieved I was "only bi" in her words. That sounds subtly homophobic but I don't think she intended it to sound that way. Oh, and my father thinks that one becomes gay by being raped by an already gay man. Like being a werewolf. With the implication that man-on-man buttsex is so good you'll never go back to women. I don't tell him a lot of things on account of his being stupid and somewhat emotionally distant.

Back in the earlier part of the 2000s people did not talk as commonly about things like gender identity and sexuality. The discussion was sort of just starting. Oh and faggot and gypsy were both still okay to say. This was just over ten years ago, of course. And yet... I didn't feel that I was targeted or wrong because of my sexuality. Maybe nobody knew. Things have changed since. Sometime before 2011-- the oldest post on my account is from April 2011 however I know this is not the first post-- I made a tumblr. For the most part it was cool and chill and image macros-- now usually called memes. Anyway more recently on this site... they've started hating me.

They hate me because I'm a man. They hate me because I'm bi. Sorry I have the wrong gender and sexuality. You'd think people who claim to be oppressed and hated would not want to make others feel the same way, but apparently they call it justice.