10 December 2023, 12:32am
I've been thinking a lot about people I've lost touch with. I hope they're doing well, but in a way I'm glad I've lost touch with them. That way they can crystalize in my mind the way I remember them, and I can have my warm, good memories without dealing with the real life problem that people are complex and change.
Of course, I would want them to change, and grow and not stay the same people they were in 2007-- in high school. But also, I can close my eyes and remember the hallways and talking between classes.
I miss high school. I miss regularly seeing my friends. The secret alience that comes with having an enemy that you insist on fighting fairly. The fact that things that didn't really matter seemed so important. The fact I had free time, and people to spend it with.
I never thought of myself as one to take advantage of infinite possibilities and I am not going to pretend I wasn't horribly depressed back then. I'm the same depressed person now, but I feel much more lost in the world. I'm afloat without an anchor and the helpful advice I get is "you don't need an anchor!" -- Well, maybe I do. What then? What now?
Recently, I've become more confident again. Talking with people who make some bit of sense. Perhaps I simply can not be online enough for some people. I have always felt disenfranchised by politics and the fact it has turned into sports team mentality has made that worse.
Is it really freedom to be permitted to do things, or is that just another means of control? Perhaps being free of the obligation to a team is freedom, but it is at the cost of ever making friends with anyone on the inside. You can turn someone into a pig, but that's illegal.